Photo: Wenn
It's a classless question, but someone's got to ask it. EXACTLY how rich are Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris? The Twitter-proclaimed 'power-couple' of pop make approximately a shedload of money between Calvin Harris' net worth and Taylor Swift's net worth, but that's not a good enough approximation of how fat their collective stacks are, so I thought it was about time that someone investigated.
I should preface this, and read carefully because this is important, by saying that I have absolutely no experience and know less than zilch about financial management, economics, business, outgoings, tax rebates, equity and scientology - this is just one amateur, fake accountant trying to get to the bottom of two people at the height of the public eye by testing the limits of their bank account.
Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift has an approximate earning total of $140,000,000 which, in real money, equals £92,826,307. Their total net worth, which I'm told is a completely different thing, is a wholly more impressive number but we're dealing with exclusively the kind of shit they could afford if they chose to blow their entire savings in one fell swoop, like I said, I'm not a reliable consultant for any of your financial needs - let's get into it.
How much of the moon can Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris net worth afford?
Space is the final frontier, so who better to make the first steps into exploring it than the world's most likeable popstars? Matt Damon? Fuck that clown.
By reaching out to the totally legitimate Moon Estates, I inquired about an acre quote for two young professional looking to expand their property portfolio into the intergalactic dimensions. Managing to hustle a deal for 5 acres per £70 (they're rich but who can resist a bargain?) they can afford roughly 6,630,450 acres of premium Moon soil.
That sounds like a lot of moon to work with until you realise that it's only 0.0007% of the total surface. Even Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift combined can't own the moon. Did you think they could? Have some fucking respect for the moon.
Can Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris afford to own a country?
In short, no - not even close.
It's easy to make the assumption that just because the public comes into more contact to Tay-Tay than they do their own mothers, that she is the most powerful person in music. But music power is nothing compared to white business guy power.
With this couple's measly 92 mill, they can just about afford to buy 10% of the South Pacific Ocean Nation, Vanuatu. We're basing this on the calculation that if one's total earnings is larger than a countries total GDP, one has every right to declare themselves president, commando-in-chief and supreme overlord of said nation.
To put this in perspective, Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris are limited to ruling approximately 130km of this secluded Island nation whereas profitable poindexter and charitable bossman, Bill Gates, has enough skrilla to buy out the entire of Costa Rica (that's where Jurassic Park is set, FYI).
Could Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris take an underrated album to No.1?
This question should be disclaimed with some chart knowledge. I fully understand that the official charts operate with a system that includes all digital downloads, physical sales and streams - we are excluding streams for this hypothetical exercise.
Now, let's talk about the Bristol indie band Trust Fund. You probably had no idea, the crooners released a pretty great album back in October titled Seems Unfair. What it's namesake suggests is on point with what these question tackles: why is it that great albums never achieve the overwhelming success of such artists as Taylor Swift or, I don't know, Calvin Harris?
It's because you need money to make money, to get those baller chart positions, you need that established guap. Good thing that our favourite couple have plenty of it to share. In fact, if they took such a fancy to Trust Fund and decided to invest their entire capital into their record sales, they good break Adele's current record for 25 by 10,000,000 sales.
If Kim Kardashian can 'break' the internet with her arse, Taylor and Calvin can surely do it by blowing everything their own on an underrated bedroom producer, right?
Could Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris buy so many lottery tickets their chances are actually reasonable?
The lottery is a fool's game, let's face it. If you didn't know, the chances of you winning the $100,000,000 US Powerball is 1 in 175,711,535. So if Taylor and Calvin pooled all their doe into lottery tickets they would be able to buy 9,300,000 individual combinations.
I had to dig up my scientific calculator from the depths of my garden and push my rusty Physics A Level abilities to the test, but I figured out how much their chances increased. In essence, there is still an infinitesimal chance of Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris getting that extra $8,000,000 on their investment. All together, their chances would still be 1 in 8,761,176 of actually winning the jackpot - chumps.
Could Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris buy out that monster, Dan Bilzerian?
I was considering working a charity angle in this piece converting Taylor and Calvin from just a couple of genetically flawless popstars to having messianic status but I believe their money can be used for a greater good: destroying Dan Bilzerian.
If you were out of the loop, Dan Bilzerian is a professional poker player/spawn of Beezlebub who is disgustingly rich and embodies the playboy lifestyle to a tee, with no misogynistic stone unturned. He travels the world objectifying women worldwide to fire rifles in the desert and vacuum narcotics up his nose like a Henry hoover. Dan Bilzerian's net worth is $150 Million dollars. 10 million more than Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have to spend. The man is literally unstoppable and we should hate him so much more for that fact - some people have more money than sense, Bilzerean has more than decency.
How many people could Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift convert to Scientology?
In modern society, it's important to be respectful of everyone's beliefs and creeds. It's what seperates us from the animals, and Dan Bilzerian. However, you must have wondered why so many celebreities become scientologists, right? This celeb-conversion of boils down to two main factors: delusion and cash.
Tom Cruise, massive scientologist. Beck, John Travolta, Giovanni Ribisi - just to name a few. It makes sense to these people, and good for them for exercising their right to religious freedom. But what they shouldn't be applauded for is paying out the nose for this right. For complete membership, seminar training, 'life orientation' (whatever that is), the church of Scientology will charge you somewhere between $360,000 and $380,000 to become a OT8 member of the church.
If Taylor and Calvin became intrigued by the teachings of the Galactic Dictator, Xenu, and wanted to form their own branch of Scientology, they could very much afford it. In fact, the two could cover the costs of converting 368,421 people to the Tayvin Swirris branch of Scientology - that's more than the population of Colorado.
And if you're thinking, woah, that's a big steep for a rebirth as pure energy. The alternative is literally any other religion or, temptingly, cyrogenically freezing your head for $180,000 less than joining the church - us poor people have got to get our options open.
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