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The boys who put the ‘cum’ into Cymru are back. Yes, Goldie Lookin’ Chain are about to embark on a Christmas Party Tour. They’re also in the studio recording their new album with the as yet untitled project hitting the shelves early in the New Year. It’s the eighth outing for the Welsh wordsmiths if you count their underground releases before 2004’s ‘Greatest Hits.’
Last year’s ‘Safe as Fuck’ met with some mixed responses and hit the headlines courtesy of Mrs Beckham and ‘Your Missus is A Nutter’ but what can we expect this time round? Earlier this year, it was announced that the GLC had parted ways with Altlantic Records, which led to the lads forming their own label Gold Dust Records and rumours of a film being planned. Now before you start thinking of a hip hop version of the Jackass films featuring lots of herbal remedies and in depth appreciation of the female form, think again. The rumour has been dispelled by the lads management.
Are you sitting comfortably... or to use GLC slang ready to ‘get in nice’?
Then let’s set the scene. It’s half past two. The lads are involved in an enthusiastic debate about which beer to buy. Billy Webb’s been washing up. After a brief exchange about the merits of washing up gloves and discoveries of mutual Welshness, he apologises for the rowdiness and assures us that material is “amazing” and that the GLC are using “their proper singing voices.” When probed further about it all, a number of sketchy hums and ah’s come out in that familiar brogue and then he stops and says: “It’s all good, we sound just like Prince or Squiggle or whatever you want to call him only sexier.” Nice. He adds with a laugh, “God knows what will come of it.” And it’s at that moment that images of Adam in a tight yellow jumpsuit slashed to the navel become scarily vivid.
Billy laughs and jokes a lot, sometimes checking you know it’s a joke. But of course you know it. You’s fucking knows it boy. He explains that they are having difficulty deciding on their first single and that a lot of the material might not get played on the radio because of content. The naughty boys. Ah the good old wireless! Surely that isn’t a huge obstacle to the band who has won Best Urban Act at the BT Digital Music Awards before now? Billy would still like to hear the GLC on the radio despite the recent internet and digital explosions. Fair do’s like, as he says: “You can’t hear a click when your car window is up… the radio is still just as important.”
Eggsy has recently spouted that their Christmas tour will be about “ …spreading peace, goodwill and beer via the medium of loud music, draw and leisurewear.” Billy is just as enthusiastic about the upcoming live dates starting in Liverpool on December 2 and ending in Wolverhampton two weeks later. He comments: “Touring is going to be amazing. I enjoy it more and more. It makes me thankful that I’m doing this. It keeps us fit, we’d be the size of a house if it wasn’t for touring.”
The thought of an obese Maggot needs some stretch of the imagination. But they’ve done the typical GLC thing they’ve sat round and worked it out how much they sweat during a tour using a formula that would make Carol Vorderman frown. It was apparently based on some tabloid formula for happiness. Billy laughs, “We reckon we’ve sweated the weight of a Challenger Tank.”
For those not in the know a Challenger Tank weighs approximately 62.5 tonnes. That’s a fucking lot of sweat. You can but hope that this has also involved a lot of the infamous GLC ‘fifties washes’ or at least some Lynx bodysprays. Given that the tour is subtitled ‘Doing it For The Taxman’ it begs the question what else would the GLC do for money. Would they consider a chat show a la Charlotte Church? Billy seems nonplussed by the idea. He does become scarily animated when thinking about the prospect of using his male charms for money. “I’d probably work as a male escort like Mike Tyson, but I’ve got the manners see.”
So get saving up and all your Christmas dreams could come true in the leisurewear clad shape of Mr Billy Webb. Failing that he could probably give your bush a good going over – he’s also a trained landscape gardener. “I’d do anything for money. I don’t get these bands who get precious about it their artistic integrity and all that.”
He won’t name names. The only names he drops into the conversation at regular intervals are Katherine Jenkins, she of the populist Opera voice and Keeley Hazell, whose talents lie elsewhere. Keeley was voted ‘Best Page 3 Girl’ in the FHM Bloke Awards 2006. And now she can put the admiration of Newport’s finest in her list of accolades. “She defies gravity she’s wonderous….” With a pause he adds “If this were ancient Greek times they’d be making statues of her.” Ah But what of Jenkins? “Well she’s the first lady of Wales” he says. Some would argue this title would surely belong to Dame Shirley Bassey but in the world of the GLC Shirley Bassey is slang for a toilet. He’s met Jenkins a few times and now that she’s newly single “have a quiet word in her ear.”
He explains “I like Katherine Jenkins because when she’s not working she’s resting her voice see… that’s perfect for a woman.” And as he begins to muse on the nature of beauty in a woman you begin to realise that GLC are more than a one joke band. They have feelings too. Either that or they have a very polished chat up technique. Either way it’s safe as fuck.
