Photo: WENN
Here we go again. In their latest effort to get you to part ways with your hard earned cash this Yule, John Lewis have revealed their annual sappy and 'emotional' Christmas advert.
You can see it already: mums around the country biting their fists and battling through the tears to hand over their credit card in the purchase of cutlery and socks, soundtracked by the heartstring-wrenching sounds of Lily Allen covering Keane. Stay strong, Great Britain.
But why? Why is this happening? I think it's probably what you'd call the 'Gary Jules effect' - the mathematical equation for which is 'formerly credible classic + whispery acoustics = CHRISTMAAAAS!'. It's already invited the likes of Fyfe Dangerfield to cover Billy Joel's 'Always A Woman', Ellie Goulding to deliver a raspy take on Elton John's 'Your Song' and Gabrielle Aplin to completely rob Frankie Goes To Hollywood's 'The Power Of Love' of all of its...power.
Last year, they asked you to imagine for a moment that a snowman somehow had the means of income to purchase a scarf, now they ask you to suspend logic for long enough to envisage animals with a concept of Christmas. The charming festive sap we can forgive, but Keane? KEANE? Don't be mistaken - Lily Allen is a brilliant pop star. She's a breath of fresh air, pumping personality into an overpolished and media-trained world of dead-behind-the-eyes manufactured reality TV robots. Which is exactly why this manoeuvre is all the more disappointing - it just screams 'X FACTOR AD BREAK'.
We've been waiting of Allen's sweet, considered and punchy return to pop for a fair few years now. Instead of the cockney stomp of 'Smile', the synth-swelled reflection of 'The Fear' or the sassy swagger of 'Not Fair', we've been presented with a beige, pedestrian plod through an already catatonia-inducing dose of bed-wetting tedium. It's exactly what you'd expect from Abi Alton or countless X Factor predecessors - believing that stripping tender tracks back to basics, closing your eyes and clenching a fist is a decent substitute for authenticity. It isn't.
This is multi-million pound attack on vulnerable viewers, designed to leave them weeping in the foetal position before pulling themselves together for long enough to buy plates and jumpers. The most depressing part is that Allen's return has nothing to do with music, as she once sung herself: "I want to be rich and I want lots of money I don't care about clever I don't care about funny."
Again, it's Keane. KEANE! The British public should expect more. Remember when Christmas was fun? What next? Snow Patrol covering David Gray? Moby covering Travis? A recording of Dido pouring cold gravy over some wool? Is that what you want? Would that bore you into submission? Whatever, I guess this advert isn't really aimed at me...
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