Tuesday 7th October 2014 by Alexandra Pollard

12 odd Amazon reviews of Mercury nominees

Our favourite: 'There are more pandas in Scotland than memorable tunes'

Royal Blood - Royal Blood: "These pair of wankers think they are Led Zeppelin. Not fit to lick the shit off their shoes! A load of crap for 33 minutes! Avoid it like Ebola!"

Bombay Bicycle Club - So Long, See You Tomorrow: "The problem is there are no tunes, melodies are non existent, jeez, there are more pandas in Scotland than tunes that are remotely memorable on this record."

FKA Twigs - LP1: "Don't waste your money."

Damon Albarn - Everyday Robots: "Expectations are high for a huge dollop of pretentious crap and this CD doesn't disappoint. Ever since Damon attended the world famous 'Bono School Of Disappearing Up Your Own Arse' he's produced coaster after coaster of rampant narcissism and tuneless wonder."

Jungle - Jungle: "I really don't want to like this record especially with comparisons to Metronomy being made who are appalling."

GoGo Penguin: v2.0: "Nice music to drift off to sleep to but that is about all."

Young Fathers - Dead: "I fell for that raping music that made my senses rage and my passions desire diving into it and let it purely torture me to death, knowing that death will bring some painful resurrection like the pain one feels after a successful orgasm when it stops."

Kate Tempest - Everybody Down: "I warn you - don't buy this and expect music."

Nick Mulvey - First Mind: "At times his delivery veers close to Chris Martin territory. Whether you consider this is a criticism or praise will, I guess, determine how much you'll enjoy this album."

East India Youth - Total Strife Forever: "This is empty, a very boring and media overrated album."

Polar Bear - In Each And Every One: "In Each And Every One is a kaleidoscopic exploit sure to woo fans of all genres - as long as you don't like your music either beige or tepid - in which case it's very likely that your head might explode."

Anna Calvi - One Breath: "Unfortunately this album just went on and on not going anywhere."

Tags: Bombay Bicycle Club, FKA Twigs, Damon Albarn, Royal Blood, Anna Calvi, Kate Tempest

There is often quite a significant difference between the views of critics and the views of the general public - and never is this difference quite so significant as on Amazon's beyond parody customer reviews.

Damon Albarn's Everyday Robots, for example, was described by one critic as "achingly aware of modern isolation", and by one Amazon user as "a huge dollop of pretentious crap." Of the Royal Blood album, one critic wrote, "A muscular expansion on the sound of their four preceding singles," and an Amazon user wrote, "These pair of wankers think they are Led Zeppelin!"

The reviews section of Amazon.com is an entertaining, impassioned, confusing, vicious goldmine. Here are the album's shortlisted for this year's Mercury Prize, as reviewed by angry Amazon critics.