'Always clearly label your piss bottle'
Andy Hill
13:02 3rd May 2018

Dashing adventurer and telly survivalist Ed Stafford is probably best known for being the only person in history to walk the entire length of the Amazon river. When the ex-army hard-nut, who also hosts his own show on the Discovery channel, isn’t gobbling down live scorpions or using his own shit to catch fish, he likes to party hard at music festivals.

So Gigwise thought it would be fun to catch up with the noble explorer and get his nine top-tips on camping.

You’re welcome…

1/ Get as high as possible

“If you’re going to a festival in this country, chances are it’ll rain. So aim to pitch your tent at as high an elevation as you can to avoid the puddles. Keep away from main walking routes, and point your entrance downwind. That way, when you get drunk and forget to zip up your tent it won’t fill up with water.”

2/ Mallets are a waste of time

“Why would you carry something like that all the way to a festival? Just use your boot, or ideally a mate’s, to whack in the pegs. There’s always something heavy lying about.”

3/ Get some nuts

“If you’re the type of festival goer who, um, doesn’t really eat much, you’ll mostly burn your own body fats. But for a snack, say if you wake up early and can’t be bothered to walk anywhere, nuts are great. High in fat, and they take up barely any space. If you just wolf down a jam donut you’ll be all over the place, and suffer the inevitable carb crash. Coconut flakes are also a good shout.”

4/ Make your own she-wee

“If you’re a lady, or you’re with a lady, save a bunch of time queueing for the loos by cutting the top off a plastic bottle and trimming it into the shape of your under regions. Now you can wee like a bloke! My wife also swears by the moon cup, which saves bringing tampons, and does away with the ugly business of disposing of them.”

5/ Clearly label your piss bottle

“I can’t stress this enough. Write ‘PISS BOTTLE’ in huge letters on it to avoid morning confusion. Alright, they are a lazy man’s solution. But they save you going outside, and if it’s a really chilly night you have some nice warm urine to cuddle up with. Don’t knock it.”

6/ Sleep tight

“Even though I put myself through it on expeditions, I don’t think there’s any point having a miserable night’s sleep. You can get comfy rollout mats the size of coffee cups these days, and ultra-lightweight sleeping bags. Bring a pillowcase and stuff it with with jumpers. Can’t go wrong. If you choose to sleep at all, that is.”

7/ Keep it clean

“Maintaining a reasonable standard of cleanliness isn’t hard, and can really pay off if you meet somebody nice. Pack a tiny hand sanitiser, and some wet wipes. Don’t go mad though. Years ago I experimented with Dettol kitchen-grade wipes. Not a smart idea, because you just end up coated in bleach. Also, don't just abandon your tent, or anything, on site when you go home. People who do that should be shot.”

8/ You can use mud as a sunblock

“When you’re out in the field, and you feel yourself starting to cook, slap some mud on, especially around the back of your neck or along the bridge of your nose. Works especially well with clay-type soil.”

9/ If I was a festival, I’d be Wilderness

“And Bear Grylls would be the Scout Jamboree. No disrespect, he’s a great guy, he just has more responsibility than me.”

Ed Stafford will be speaking on a panel discussing for The Telegraph at Wilderness Festival on August 5

Photo: Press