Writhe around on the floor with Tilda Swinton: Most 68-year-old men can't, but Bowie bloody can. Why? Because they're one and the same: Andrognynous, sphinx-like, immortal, incredible.

Offend the Christian world by dressing as Christ: Yup, for most men, they leave their Jesus smocks and their sacrilegious ways in their mid-to-late 20s, but Bowie's video for The Next Day's title track invited The Catholic League to brand him a "switch-hitting, bisexual senior citizen from London".

Put clothes on show: Imagine if your dad or some random 68-year-old bloke put his wardrobe on display to world. It would largely be cardigans and Matalan jeans. But no - the David Bowie Is exhibition was a masterclass in the art of fashion.

Hold hands with Lorde: 'Man in late 60s finds 17-year-old girl at party to hold hands'. Pretty creepy headline, eh? Well, normally yes - but this was just one legend passing on musical wisdom to a rising star. Recalling when Bowie met Lorde at Tilda Swinton's birthday, Lorde said: "It was super cute - for some reason we were holding hands and just staring into each other’s eyes and talking, and I was like, 'This is David Bowie's hand, what am I doing?' It was insane. A beautiful moment."

Top the Official Record Store chart: When most men of that age enter an independent record store, it's usually to ask for directions to the nearest BHS - but not Bowie. In 2013, The Next Day was deservedly the most-bought album in independent UK record stores for the year.

Make Arcade Fire even cooler: Say 'Arcade Fire' to most men of that age and they'll call the emergency services and mourn the loss of another 2p machine, but say it to Bowie and he jumps on board to make their already awesome comeback track 'Reflektor' all the better - drenching it with his inimitably mind-melting croon.

Look this good for Louis Vuitton: Mutton dressed as lamb? Never. Just a genius, dressed a king.

Inspire Lady Gaga: Last year, Gaga told Alan Carr: "Every morning I wake up and I think 'what would Bowie do?'" Rather than turn on Radio 4, eat porridge and complain about the traffic, what that means from this 68-year-old is usually something baffling, unexpected and game-changing.

Dance around with dolls of himself: Most men in their 60s would get sectioned locked up in a home for this, but the music video for James Murphy's remix of 'Love Is Lost' was one of the coolest and most compelling of the year (and it was made for just eight quid)

Sound good in clubs: Yeah, your old man would do well to stay away from 'discotheques' (I bet they still call them that as well), but with James Murphy's epic Steve Reich remix of 'Love Is Lost', no 68-year-old has ever sounded this brilliant or vital on the dancefloor.

Be talking about drugs, sex and war all at once: Yep, it's enough to make most older men blush. But Bowie's brilliantly vivid lyrics to The Next Day highlight 'I'd Rather Be High' show him as still one of the best narrators of all time.

Look this cool/young in a flat-cap: Seriously, how does he do it? No wonder he was crowned one of GQ's best dressed men of 2014.