Soulja Boy Tell 'Em - 'Hurricane': Look around you and mindlessly squawk all of the objects you can see. I'll have a go. KEYBOARD, SCREEN, MUG, PASTA, PENS, CYANIDE PILL. I can do music too. Give me a million pounds. (AT)

Madonna - 'Bitch, I'm Madonna': We all know who you are, Madonna - there's no need for THAT. Let alone this leak from the punctured bowels of EDM. Go hard or go home? I'll get my coat (AT)

Nickelback - 'She Keeps Me Up': In May, Australian Police issued a warrant for Nickelback's arrest for crimes against music. Well, increase the sentence, add another for the murder of disco, and judging by the lyrics, probably incest too. (AT)

5 Seconds Of Summer - 'She's Kinda Hot': "My girlfriend's bitchin' 'cause I always sleep in / She's always screamin' when she's calling her friend / She's kinda hot though." Shut the fuck up. (AP)

Chris Brown + Rita Ora - 'Body On Me': Even if Chris Brown hadn't beaten his ex-girlfriend Rihanna, I'd have found this collaboration offensive. "I'm just telling you to have an open mind," sings Rita Ora. No. (AP)

Kanye West - 'Awesome': Not officially released, and thank Christ for that. The prophecy of South Park's auto-tuned gay fish is fulfilled as Kanye assumingly asked North West to write the lyrics for this trite tribute to Kim - featuring such gems as 'Imma cook you a big dessert' and 'you don't need to answer to your manager'. If this was a joke, we salute you, Kanye. (AT)

Kid Rock - First Kiss: A Primark Bryan Adams. Roll the windows down on your pick-up truck, turn this up, and crash into a wall. (AT)

Tough Love - 'So Freakin' Tight': A cynical, generic club hit whose only saving grace is that it samples a far better song. (AP)

Eden xo - 'The Weekend': You've been dropped on your head and forgotten what day of the week it is. Is that why bought this song. This is why you can't have nice things. Everyday feels like Monday. (AT)

Charlie Puth feat. Meghan Trainor - 'Marvin Gaye': I'd like to say that this song is irritatingly catchy - but it's not even catchy. Plus, it's a really stupid play on words. Adding the singer's name to his own lyric, "Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on", is not clever, guys. (AP)

David Guetta ft Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha & Afrojack - 'Hey Mama': Don't call your mama like this, unless you want to be an orphan. Also, my 'nana's' are clean enough, thank you very much. (AT)

Fetty Wap - 'Trap Queen': Any song with the line, "Introduced her to my stove" is a big fat no from me. (AP)

Take That - 'Hey Boy': Put the synthesisers down, and step away from Duran Duran's reject bin, Gary. (AP)