Photo: Youtube
As a happily married man, the new Meghan Trainor video is not designed with me in mind.
‘Dear Future Husband’ is intended as a doo-wop thirst trap for any eligible gent who just so happens to be a) all about that bass and b) comfortable with the subject of their affections combining leopard print with a miniature red leather jacket.
For those somehow unaware, Trainor is a middling US pop star who has become world famous through one extremely popular song about body acceptance that seemingly attacked skinny women. However ‘Dear Future Husband’ is a new level of wrong. Tellingly the text Google provides alongside the Youtube video is the following: "If you aren't hot, your only chance is being nice. If you aren't either, you are Meghan Trainor."
Watch: Meghan Trainor's video for 'Dear Future Husband'
The video could have been creatively directed by Betty Draper. It’s all very well if your visual style is a conscious throwback to the Fifties - it doesn’t mean that your politics have to as well. Although there are some supposedly modern touches - both Trainor and her partner work 9-5 and that her culinary abilities involve burning an apple pie and turning her nose up at a scallop - it’s quite clear that Trainor's world is a limited one.
In short succession Trainor insists that in return for an annual bunch of flowers, she’ll buy weekly groceries. In return for some basic chivalrous acts, she’ll respond with oral sex. The concept of “choreplay” may currently be debated by Sheryl Sandberg but the idea that Trainor is the one actually mopping the floor as well as dishing out sexual favours would rather suggest she’s missed the point.
There are various "Treat me like a lady” bits (and a digression where a man failing a strength test is deemed undeserving) but the creepiest aspect is when Trainor's behaviour is mirrored by some small children playing house. Like some horrible vision of the future, you can see that this small blonde girl will also grow up to live in a loveless home where your telephone's painted pink and never rings.
Watching it, I just wanted to point out to Meghan that she’s going about this in the worst possible way. A man who tells you "You're beautiful" every single night is unimaginative at best, senile at worst. “After every fight just apologise / Why disagree?’ is one of the most reductive things I’ve heard outside of a Robin Thicke record. If Meghan wants a partner who never disagrees, she needs a doormat or a dildo, not a date. Insisting that her moments when she's "acting crazy" are somehow part of her feminity is similarly depressing (if you want this topic handled with significantly more class, try Brandy Clark). The "don’t leave me lonely" line in the final verse has the distinct feel of a cry for help.
One final piece of advice? Try and keep a close harmony all-male quartet out of your bedroom.
