More about: Christmas

‘Tis the season for listicles, so we’ve decided to rank a bunch of the most well-known Christmas hits from worst to best.

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34. ‘Millennium Prayer’ – Cliff Richard

Bringing up the rear is this, Cliff Richard’s third and final Christmas hit, which consists of the words of the Lord’s Prayer set to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Let me repeat that for you: Cliff Richard, singing the Lord’s Prayer, to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. It’s like something Alan Partridge would suggest. The only single ever to credit literal Jesus as a writer, it was UK number one for three weeks but was kept from the top spot on Christmas day by Westlife. 

33. ‘Little Drummer Boy’ – David Bowie and Bing Crosby

Unquestionably the most embarrassing thing David Bowie and Bing Crosby ever did in their respective careers. 

32. ‘Driving Home for Christmas’ – Chris Rea

This dreary easy-listening number has always felt incredibly smug to me. It’s like Chris Rea is taunting me with how laid-back and at-ease he sounds on this track. I’m sorry, but nobody is this chilled out when driving home for Christmas. The lead-up to Christmas is the most stressful time of the year. 

31. ‘Saviour’s Day’ – Cliff Richard 

‘Saviour’s Day’ was Cliff’s second Christmas number one. I resent the actual song less than I resent its cringe-inducing music video, which depicts Cliff dressed in white standing atop a mountain like he’s the Messiah. 

30. ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ – Cliff Richard

I do like Cliff, I promise! Just not at Christmas apparently. This Christmas number one is the best of the worst when it comes to Cliff’s Christmas singles. “Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhymes.” Do me a favour.

29. ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ – Shakin’ Stevens

It could be just the sheer ubiquity of it that makes this song so unlistenable, but then again, there are other as-overplayed Christmas hits that I can far more easily tolerate. Maybe it’s the certainty with which Shakey says he’s going to “find that girl underneath the mistletoe and kiss by candlelight” that I find annoying. Maybe it’s his granny-pandering Christmas jumper in the video that gets my back up. Maybe it’s the incessant sleigh bells throughout the song that irritate me most. I’d go on but it’s starting to sound like I hate happiness.

28. ‘Lonely This Christmas’ – Mud

I dislike this one for the opposite reason. I just find it so bloody miserable! And not miserable in a chic way like the music of Phoebe Bridgers or the film Marriage Story. More miserable like a sad divorcee crying at the work Christmas party. And the spoken word bit makes my skin crawl. 

27. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ – Band Aid 2

Very much the forgotten version of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’. Produced by Stock Aitken Waterman, it features a more modestly successful line-up of stars, with big names like Cliff Richard and Kylie Minogue sitting alongside some less well-remembered acts, like Bananarama and Bros. 

26. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ – Band Aid 30

If any version of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ is the “We should know better by now” version, it’s this one. Released for the 30th anniversary, the 2014 version features rewritten lyrics which focused on the then-topical Ebola crisis, but which did nothing to improve on the patronising tone of the original song and basically just resulted in a music video of forgotten stars singing the wrong words.

25. ‘I Believe in Father Christmas’ – Greg Lake

As one of the founding members of seminal prog-rock band King Crimson, you’d think Greg Lake would be above this sort of thing. Apparently not.

24. ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ – Wizzard

I know, I know. This is a popular one and I’m about to get dragged on Twitter again. But it just instils panic in me – imagine if it was Christmas every day! How truly and unrelentingly gruelling would that be. Imagine having to witness the “kids start singing and the band begin to play” every single day of the year. Hearing “the bells ring out for Christmas” every. single. day. And the effect it would have on the economy! If you think the train strikes or lockdown have caused problems, you’re not ready for it being Christmas every day. We’re talking full societal collapse here. It doesn’t even bear thinking about. Remarkably, this song was released the same Christmas as Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’, which kept it from the top spot. Quite right.

23. ‘Merry Christmas’ – Ed Sheeran and Elton John

It’s not that this single from last year is a bad song per-se – it’s just that it very much sounds like what an AI would produce if you asked it to write a Christmas song by Ed Sheeran and Elton John. And to make matters worse, the pair teamed up with national villains LadBaby to write a sausage-roll-themed charity version of the song. I know, I know – it’s for charity. But with the amount of cash Elton and Ed have in the bank between them, surely they could have just offered to make a one-off donation instead and put us all out of our misery. Anyway, ‘Sausage Rolls for Everyone’ of course got to Christmas number one. 

22. ‘Fairytale of New York’ – The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Look, I actually quite like this song. I just couldn’t place it any higher than this because I’m so superlatively bored now by the yearly debate surrounding the lyrics. In the year of our lord 2022, apparently getting to say the f slur at Christmas is a hill loads of straight people are still willing to die on. In my view, we should have ended the whole row in 2020 when Shane McGowan called Laurence Fox a “herrenvolk shite” on Twitter for his reactionary attempt to get the song to the top of the charts.

21. ‘Underneath the Tree’ – Kelly Clarkson

Okay, we’re getting into the “actually quite good” section now. Released nine years ago, Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Underneath the Tree’ is slowly making its way into becoming a Christmas classic. And rightly so! 

20. ‘Mary’s Boy Child/Oh My Lord’ – Boney M 

This is admittedly one of the weirder Christmas hits, but it’s also one of the biggest bops. As an atheist, songs with such an overtly religious theme are rarely my go-to, but this one gets me on my feet so easily that I find myself agreeing vehemently with its message, however ahistorical it may be. 

19. ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ – Paul McCartney

I may be biased as a McCartney stan, but I do think this one is unfairly hated. Granted, the chorus is lyrically, rhythmically, and melodically quite annoying. But in my view the song is overlooked as an early bit of successful experimental synth-pop. This track walked so ‘Temporary Secretary’ could run. 

18. ‘Stay Another Day’ – East 17

Okay, I’ll address the elephant in the room. This isn’t a Christmas song in any meaningful sense of the phrase. Its lyrics, far from being festive, are a poignant lamentation on songwriter Tony Mortimer’s brother’s suicide. However, the band went and added some Christmas bells and recorded a music video where they’re all being snowed on while dressed in big furry parkas. So East 17 have been swimming in royalties every December ever since. Good luck to them. 

17. ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’ – John Lennon and Yoko Ono with the Harlem Community Choir 

Your ability to tolerate this song really comes down to how much you can tolerate John and Yoko’s ‘peace and love’ shtick, and having been ensnared by it in my teenage years, I can. “War is over, if you want it” may seem like a naïve mantra from some angles, but I genuinely think the song has some wisdom to offer.

16. ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’ – The Killers

The Killers have recorded a long list of Christmas songs, with the proceeds going to charity, and ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’ is by some margin the best. The inclusion of Santa – portrayed on both the song and in the music video by musician Ryan Pardey – takes the tune into novelty territory, but that in no way stops it being a banger. 

15. ‘Christmas Tree Farm’ – Taylor Swift

As a culture, we’ve not done enough to make sure that Taylor Swift’s 2019 Christmas song becomes a timeless classic. Written about her time growing up on her dad’s Christmas tree farm, it’s maybe the last pre-Folklore example of Taylor writing what she knows. It’s filled to the brim with magic and nostalgia, and it’s not old enough to have even slightly become overplayed yet.

14. ‘Santa Tell Me’ – Ariana Grande

This is another more modern one that deserves more airtime than it gets. It’s more lyrically robust than many other Christmas classics, and Ariana delivers a top-tier vocal performance as usual. 

13. ‘Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town’ – Bruce Springsteen

Springsteen and his E Street Band’s live rendition of ‘Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town’ – recorded in 1975 but not released until seven years later – is one of the coolest entries in the Christmas songbook. I challenge anybody not to comply upon hearing the Boss himself rasping “You’d better be good for goodness’ sake”. 

12. ‘Stop the Cavalry’ – Jona Lewie

‘Stop the Cavalry’ was never intended as a Christmas song. It’s an anti-war protest song, inspired by travesties including the Crimean War, the First and Second World Wars, and the ongoing Cold War. But it mentions Christmas, so onto the Christmas compilations it goes! It might not be the most uplifting festive record, but Lewie’s lethargic vocal gives it something special. 

11. ‘Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town’ – The Jackson 5

A song so good we had to include it twice. The Jackson 5 version just about pips the Springsteen version to the post on account of its infectiously feel-good vibe and its sheer ubiquity. 

10. ‘Step Into Christmas’ – Elton John

If ‘Step Into Christmas’ weren’t such a bop, it wouldn’t be as clear quite how much Elton phoned it in fifty years later when he teamed up with Sheeran to record ‘Merry Christmas’. ‘Step Into Christmas’ is pure, unadulterated Elton John, and I’d love it just as much if it weren’t a Christmas song at all. In researching the track for this article, I’ve just discovered that its B-side upon original release was something called ‘Ho, Ho, Ho (Who’d Be a Turkey at Christmas). BRB – just gonna go listen to that immediately.

9. ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)’ – The Darkness

The Darkness’ career-long exercise in glam-rock pastiche would never have been complete had they not released a Christmas song, since grandfathers of glam Slade, Wizzard, and Mud all showed that it was a rite of passage in the genre. ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)’ ticks all the boxes and more. It’s deliciously camp and fabulously festive, but was bizarrely beaten to UK Christmas number one by Gary Jules’ maudlin version of ‘Mad World’. Go figure. 

8. ‘Christmas Lights’ – Coldplay

Okay, I am sort of being a contrarian and a troll here. I kind of relish a Twitter dragging – sue me! But I do love Coldplay’s Christmas effort, especially in the verses, and I’ll be adding it to any and every Christmas playlist I make from now until the end of forever. “I’ve got all kinds of poison in, of poison in…my blood” Chris Martin confesses in the opening verse. I know how you feel, Chris, I know how you feel. 

7. ‘Last Christmas’ – Wham!

A song so ubiquitous that it’s inspired an annual game – Whamageddon – which involves members of the public trying to avoid hearing it during the festive period for as long as possible. Despite being this comically overplayed though, I still like it, which must say something about its quality. 

6. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ – Band Aid

I have a complicated relationship with this song – as I’m sure many do. There’s an argument it’s hurt the African continent more than it’s helped it – its impact on attitudes to and perceptions of the developing world is difficult to overstate. And lines like “There won’t be snow in Africa”, “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”, and notably the refrain “Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?” make all sensible people cringe in 2022. That said, from the perspective of a pop music fan, I can’t help enjoying it hugely. 

5. ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ – Slade

In a contest for the most iconic Christmas pop song of all, it probably comes down to either this or Mariah’s ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’. Perhaps even more iconic than the song itself is the way in which Noddy Holder animalistically clamours “IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!”. It’s cheesy and the production is crap, and really it’s a wonder that it’s stood the test of time as a Christmas staple when glam rock was such a fleeting trend in pop culture. But I think it’s the sheer quality of it as a piece of song-writing that’s really made it endure – and this was something made apparent by Noel Gallagher’s stark cover version. A good song is a good song, and I’ll never get bored of this one. 

4. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ – Band Aid 20

This is another controversial placement perhaps, but I can sincerely say that I think the 2004 version of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ trumps the original. It displays a level of class that the 1984 version never did – the Thom Yorke piano part, Paul McCartney’s bassline, Will Young and Jamelia duetting…everything about it is so damn tasteful. And I include the excellent Dizzee Rascal rap verse in that. “Spare thought this yuletide for the deprived”. Kendrick Lamar wishes he could write lyrics that strong.

3. ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ – Mariah Carey 

For many people, this is the greatest Christmas song of all time, and you know what? I respect that. Carey’s vocal is obviously incredible, the “and I…” backing vocals absolutely slap, and it’s so expertly written. In many ways it’s the perfect festive banger. And it holds the distinction of being the last major contender in the imperial era of Christmas music, which I think means it holds a special place in people’s hearts. I can’t count how many times I hear it every December, but I’m always happy when the intro starts. 

2. ‘Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)’ – Darlene Love 

Phil Spector’s Christmas album contains many of the greatest festive pop songs ever, and this – the only original song from the album – is the best of the lot. Let’s again address an elephant in the room though – Phil Spector did shoot a person in the mouth in cold blood. He is, by any reasonable measure, cancelled. What I can’t possibly cancel however is Darlene Love. Because cancelling Darlene Love would mean cancelling ‘Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)’. Which in effect would mean cancelling Christmas. The ferocity with which she sings the song, the grandiose wall-of-sound production, the call-and-response vocals…it all adds up to a euphoric atmosphere. While Chris Rea is out here pretending that Christmas is all laid-back and easy-going, Darlene Love reminds us how hectic, how intense, how highly-strung it can feel. ‘Tis the season to feel slightly unhinged, after all.

1. ‘Christmas Wrapping’ – The Waitresses 

You won’t find a cooler or more stylish Christmas song than ‘Christmas Wrapping’. It’s about resenting the fact it’s Christmas, but it doesn’t do this in a cynical, party-pooping sort of way. It does it in a tongue-in-cheek, ironic, desperately relatable way. I can’t get enough of how performatively bored lead vocalist Patricia Jean Donahue sounds, and the lyrics are funny and brilliantly perceptive. What really makes it though of course is those gorgeous, off-kilter, off-beat brass parts. I’ve listened to the song countless times, but it still sounds as surprising as when I first heard it. 

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More about: Christmas