Photo: Press
For this week’s column I decided not to listen to the songs in question. Instead, I passed them on to published romance novelist, much lauded ghostwriter, and the narrator of my album, Confessions of a Romance Novelist, who was given instruction only to judge them on their lyrical content, as if they were standalone poems.
Each song has been scored out of 100, with “marks subtracted for bad grammar, poor articulation, or mixed metaphors”. Suffice to say that the romance novelist has something of a chip on her shoulder about her own creative failures as she has been reduced to earning her crust as a second rate ghost writer in the publishing business of erotic fiction.
I hope the writers of these songs will take into account her current circumstances when receiving her well-intended critiques of the popular songs Gigwise has proffered as this week’s offerings from the music charts… We will be buying her a new typewriter ribbon in exchange for her services on this week’s column.
I will now hand you over to the very capable hands of the romance novelist...
The Anchoress' debut album, Confessions Of A Romance Novelist, is out now
The Last Shadow Puppets - 'Bad Habits'
Messrs Turner and Kane seem to be taking an Imagist approach to their lyric writing here with the song taking the form of a modernist free verse effort, with its economy of language, drawing on the Japanese tradition. “There’s a black infinity parked outside blocking somebody in” seems to be the key line here that resonates beyond the smutty scope of the opening scene that juxtaposes images that suggest sexual abandon “thigh high… knee deep”, perhaps in a homage to T.S. Eliot typist and “young man carbuncular” in The Waste Land. Points deducted for the use of the vernacular phrasing in the line “she wanna slow dance”. Otherwise delicious.
69/100
Kanye West - ‘Real Friends’
“Real Friends” is an introspective look at Kanye West’s struggles with his friends and family - of which he seems to have many. As a father, husband and artist, it seems his somewhat hectic lifestyle has caught up to him and he appears to now blame himself for the personal dischords in his life. Presented as a dramatic monologue, as he struggles to balance his work and familial commitments, the lyric takes the reader on a journey through the inner turmoil of Mr. West’s mind. Copious use of internal and half end rhymes creates a pleasantly various rhythm for the reader to such an extent that one can excuse the occasional use of profanity. There is good development of the narrative across the stanzas as we are drawn into the story of Mr West’s predicament. I was particularly taken with this image: “Fuck the church up, I'm drinkin' at the communion, Spillin' free wine, now my tux is ruined”. Dawg.
69/100
Pixie Lott - ‘What Now’
A lyric sheet was not available for Miss Lott’s latest offering but we do know her to be a nicely turned out, polite young lady from the time that she visited us in “The Kitchen” studio and impressed us all with her vocal and tonsorial volume. We bonded over our shared love of a certain brand of dry shampoo: a staple for any young woman with unruly tresses. I can only imagine her lyrical efforts to be equally well-tamed.
69/100
Dr Dre - 'Back To Business'
I’m not sure if “Dr” Dre is a medical professional or holds a literary PhD but he certainly knows his way around the rhyming dictionary. Rather too much use of the N-word for my liking but like our next offering, Mr. Dre is also a fan of tobacco, a toke on which often gets me through that second round of editors notes. Top marks also for the alliterative title.
69/100
Courtney Barnett - 'Three Packs A Day'
The antipodean Miss Barnett presents an ode to the humble ramen noodle. What appears at first from the title to contemplate the moreishness of a triplicate packet of fags, reveals itself to be a paen to the joys of processed, MSG-ridden fast food. Although I have much experience of addiction of the pharmaceutical variety, this is a habit I cannot condone, being a fervently committed raw vegan ( - I like my food, like the chapped member of the exhausted hero in my latest erotic tome Tossed: A Macrobiotic Desire, raw and undressed). Miss Barnett’s furtive relationship with this boil-in-the pan foodstuff is humorously dealt with here. Sometimes it’s important to laugh, especially when one’s career has descended to the depths of making second rate minds sound more eloquent than God intended. Pass the salad.
69/100
Yuck - 'Hearts In Motion'
“I know it's hard to comprehend” - yes, it is. Really very hard to say what the good people of Yuck are trying to convey about love here - a topic I am somewhat of an expert in due to my day job where I am tasked with moving the hearts of many through the medium of the erotic novella. Yuck failed to put mine in motion here. Too abstract, not enough concrete nouns.
69/100
Bloc Party - 'Virtue'
Bloc Party have put together a thoughtful meditation on temptation (see, I can rhyme too…), contemplating the cleansing power of the word to battle against the unnamed “urge” and the inevitable existential “fall” into ruin and shame. There’s a particularly visceral simile towards the end that wins this week’s prize for being the most unpalatable image of bodily parts I have come across (pardon the pun) in a long time: “Like water drops on burning warts”. In its defence, it has a very pleasant returning refrain: “This path will lead us back / Will lead us back to ruin”. Perhaps this is where the protagonist acquired those warts from…?
69/100
LNZNDRF (members of The National + Beirut) - 'Beneath The Black Sea'
You cannot be beneath the sea. Unless you are under the sand. This kind of imagistic tautology cannot be tolerated.
10/100
