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Gigwise waits whilst the GLC manager, barters with his crew who are holled up in a pub far far away (or, quite possibly, the Weatherspoons down the road). After promising to put all 47 million girls they’ve just met down for tonight’s guestlist, Eggsie and co agree to break thier many dinner dates to come back and talk to us. We’ve heard, seen, and read that the Chain that is looking goldie are nothing short of warm, hilarious and very much down to earth merry men, but now, as we wait for the gang to arrive, we’re beginning to wonder if it’s all just one huge act, and if really they’re just moody gits. We apprehensively follow a fresh faced Eggsie to the “lovely sex room” and are quite relieved to find out that it is, in fact, no such thing… just seven stoned, happy chappies, ready to amuse…
Happy Valentines Day! How many cards have made their merry way to you this year then?
Eggsy: Happy Valentines Day to you too (sly wink)! How many cards did we get..? Errrm..none this year actually. No, wait…well a couple of girls gave us a card in the pub, but we won’t be following that up...they weren’t very sexy or anything… But tonight should be good, what with it being all about looove and that. Hopefully we’ll get some nice women up on stage for some dancing
Not only is it Valentines Day, but it’s also National Chip Week…bet you didn’t know that! So, happy Chip Week guys!(collective gasps!)
Eggsy: What, like REAL chips?
Yes, chip shop chips…some newspaper was running a buy one get one free offer and we were going to give it to you as our little Valentines present, but then we realised it was one of those stupid ones where you have to collect tokens - but the thought was there!
Eggsie: Ahh nooo that’s no good then is it? Can’t be doing with that! Aww but thanks anyway, for thinking of us and our chip fetish.
So tonight’s the first night of the tour - how are you feeling about it all?
Eggsy: Well, excited, obviously, it’s been a while! But because we’re all quite lazy bastards we’ll probably get over the excitement soon enough and just be quite tired. We got shit faced last night, and I wanna go home to tell the truth (!!) And then Mysty'll start his moaning before long, making us tidy up and stuff, putting the world to rights and stuff.
Is Mysty the moaner of the group then?
Mysty: No - Zane’s the biggest moaner, he complains about everything. I’m more like the amusing moaner. I’m not horrible, I’d like help children cross the road and stuff…but if someone was sitting next to me and they stank I’d definitely tell them
Personal space, that’s fair enough - what with you being a big megastar and all!
Mysty: Exactly! Thankyou.
Have you got any hot tips on what’s coming out of Wales at the mo? Any threats to your Newport crown?
Eggsie : Any hot tips? My bell end man, haha! (?! Ok…) Right. what’s coming out of Wales at the moment? No nice girls I can tell you that, they’re all a bit fat to be honest.
Erm…we were talking musically….
Eggsie: Ah sorry! Musical wise…fuck all! No, I tell you what, what’s Arran’s band called?
(We assure Eggsie that we do not know what Arran’s band are called! This is followed by much conferring within the gaggle)
... Elephant Rescue Project. Oh wait, they might be split up now. But they were good. Fucking wicked. The whole point about them was none of them could play anything so we’d all just go to their gigs to get pissed and laugh at them. They had to have bits of coloured tape on their keyboard to know what to play…but they were fucking amazing.
Mysty; There are some good things coming out of Newport but you’ll probably never get a chance to hear them.
Do you feel you’ve helped to inspire these new bands?
Eggsie: We’ve taken drugs with most of them. We’ve drunk from the same trough. So I’d say definitely yes.
(To Gigwise) Do you want a drink of anything? Cider, coke….do you want a cider enema (the first of many offers for a cider enema begin here…we refuse the hospitality)
Billy: Manners!!!
Eggsie: Oh no, the two things I usually never ask a lady are her age and whether she wants a cider enema. I’m sorry! Stupid me…I really need to work on my lines!
And now for the inevitable Big Brother questions, sorry!…
Eggsie: Oh don’t worry, it’s just part of the job! It’s happened so we’re bound to get asked questions about it. Maggot’s somewhere floating about…or I could just pretend to be him! Yeah!
Does it annoy you that everyone wants to talk about it?
Eggsie: Not really, although Maggot is annoying.
But you don’t get sick of talking about it?
Eggsie: Nah not really, I’m just sick of life in general. Haha no, it’s alright. It’s a good way of getting in with girls...that’s nice.
Mysty: It makes for a good conversation starter!
So come on, tell us, how big is Maggot’s…
Eggsie: Cock!
No….we were going to say ego!
(Maggot wanders in)
Maggot: Ohh it’s fucking huuuuge, check this, I can’t even fit through the door…(Maggot is indeed so tall he has to bend backwards to limbo under the door frame!) That’s my ego, that is.
Eggsie: It is fucking huge. He’s like Dame Edna Everedge.
Maggot: (shouts from down the hall) Fuck off!
Eggsie: That say’s it all really doesn’t it! How rude!
Were the rest of the ‘Chain supportive of Maggot going into the house - or did anyone have reservations?
Eggsie: Nah, we thought it’d all be a laugh. And it was, until we realised we were getting sexually excited watching the TV and then Maggot’s face comes on. That really upset me that did. Having a stiffie and then seeing Maggot, that’s not nice. A bit freaky too.
So what happened - did Channel Four ask one of you to do it or was he “special“?
Eggsie: They asked us last year if we wanted to do it, and we said ‘nah not really’ and then they asked us again this year and we said ‘nah not really’ and then Maggot said ‘ok yeah’. He just sort of told us he was gonna do it but we didn’t really believe him, cos he lies quite a lot. The process took ages cos they contact all famous people ever and then whittle them down…we thought Maggot would be knocked out at the first round. We just forgot about it really.
Were you proud of him?
Eggsie: Yeah he was quite good I suppose. One of our mates, Dan, started a hate campaign against Tristan…was that his name?
(Gigwise whispers…Preston?)
Eggsie: Preston, that’s it, or whatever...Dristan’s cool! He’s quite a nice lad, we’ve met his band before…but our mate Dan, he’s a bit crazy isn’t it?
Mysty: Oh yeah.
Eggsie: I think Preston and Maggot, if they saw each other now, they’d have a beer or something, but every time Preston asked Maggot to move a cup or something on the telly, Dan was like “fuckin’ prick, fuckin’ prick” and we were like ‘I’m sure he’s a nice enough guy] but on the way up on the release day Dan came up with us in the bus and all the way he was like “I’m fuckin gonna kick Tristan’s head in, the fucking penis.” We were all like, “chill it’s not that extreme” (Gigwise is a little confused and lost in this Tristan/Preston rant here)
Mysty: One of our mates got one of those special boxes so we could watch him all the time, but it never worked and then some bloke came round and said the aerial wasn‘t plugged in…but then we’d missed most of it!
Would you ever go into the house? Or any reality shows?
Eggsie: Yeah definitely, I’ve well got the X factor. I’d be well more entertaining than Maggot. He didn’t do much, did he? I’d do it if there was a show called “go to Sweden and be with a woman” or something.
A woman? What, any woman?
Eggsie: A nice woman
And how would you define a nice woman?
Eggsie: Clean in between the legs.
And thus concludes our time with the Chain, so we bid farewell. We do not leave empty handed though - managing to decline all those cider enema’s is thirsty work and so we accept their kind insistence on taking everything in their mini bar…well, a can of Lilt. So as not to be rude…
