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The shortlist for the Bad Sex Award has been announced - and out of the eight lucky nominees, Morrissey’s List of the Lost novel has proved to be most in favour of winning this year's Literary Review prize.
The Smiths ex-frontman, who when not on tour is an attempted author, may have a way with writing songs and even produced a pretty decent autobiography, so why the ‘bulbous salutation’?
It’s hard to comprehend how someone who wrote, “Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me / no hope no harm / just another false alarm” could be capable of writing what Guardian music editor Michael Hann refers to as “unpolished turd”. Morrissey hasn't taken too kindly to the criticism - taking it as 'an attack against me as a human being'.
The winner of the Literary Review will be announced on 1 December so, until then we’ve taken this opportunity to compare some of Morrissey’s famous lyrics with his not-so-famous literature.
“Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and puled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”
In my life, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die
Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
“‘Well hopefully it doesn’t get any worse than this, because my stomach just couldn’t take it…’ and their fiendishly loving wrestle began once again, rolling across the floor as hot-tempered enthusiasts of lustful joy as both adorers’ bodies did their sexual staccato heaving and barging into place, nothing forbidden, heartbeats uneven, the mind as naked as the body, weakened by exertion, only to shockingly lock with a halt at the astride legs of Sammy, young brother to Ezra, as he quietly stood with satisfied slyness watching the debauched display of sensuous pleasure at the sweetness of living seized by the initiative.”
All men have secrets and here is mine so let it be known
We have been through hell and high tide
I can surely rely on you
And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown
But I'd still leap in front of a flying bullet for you
“In their secrecy, Harri does not like Tracey’s knotted banana toes, and Tracey finds the manly central issue too slight to grip, and although such things ought not to count in the adult mind, somehow they do yet they don’t yet they do yet they don’t.”
You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does
